An Ode to the Fallow Field

I am not one for restriction. I don't typically find value in hard lines or a self-imposed dearth. But so many things in life are unremarkable until they're absent. Like, for example, beans.  

In college, I learned about crop rotation and keeping a field out of production for a season. The book I was reading said that sometimes the best thing is to give the soil a rest. In the time it's not growing it can rebuild nutrients and come back next season ready to help the crops thrive. It felt like a cheat code; to gain something by doing nothing. 

Before I knew that gluten was the reason I was getting sick I cut a bunch of other things out of my diet. This list included sugar, onions, broccoli, beans, garlic and so much more. You know what I missed the most? Beans! I missed their texture and the way they soaked up flavors. They're so versatile, and so filling. I knew how to cook them and they were cheap and they were good. I had, in the past year, gotten into the habit of buying dry beans. I spent afternoons in the summer watching the kitchen window fog up while stewing red pinto beans in broth, carefully picking the bay leaves, then eat inga big bowl with rice or bread. When I found out that gluten was the source of my problems, it felt almost celebratory. The first thing I did was get a burrito bowl from Chipotle with both types of beans. They were savory, and garlicy. Filling but not overindulgent. Every bite was the best thing I'd ever eaten. 

For a long time, I didn't even care that I couldn't have bread because I could eat beans, and broccoli and gluten-free oreos*.  And when the novelty of those things wore off, I could still marvel at the novelty of not having stomach pain after eating. I'm just now, several months in, starting to miss the flaky crust and yeasty smell of bread. This missing isn't painful, or even really daunting. I'm sure with some baking experiments and investment in a nice toaster I can experience something similar to gluten-filled bread. And when I do, it's going to feel transcendent. 

What I'm trying to remind myself is that going without isn't as bad as I always think it will be. Anyone who eats forgoes tomatoes throughout the winter knows that first bit in the summer is worth the wait. Absence, heart, fonder, yada yada. But it's true! I appreciate things more when they are rare. 

Because another thing that happened before I knew my body had decided to wage war against gluten is that I felt bad. And I didn't even realize how bad I felt until I started feeling better again. Sometimes I would try to do something I enjoyed, like see my friends, walk in the woods, or go on a weekend trip. But these things would always end with me feeling incredibly tired, often sick, and very anxious. So I would distract myself. I was listening to music, an audiobook, or a youtube video at all times. I am now entirely too dependent on my phone. And while this doesn't necessarily stop me from doing anything, it's not doing anything good for me either.

I'm trying to give myself less distractions. Recent trips to the grocery store have happened without headphones, and I've been enjoying that. I watched a 40-minute video of a guy building a three-story camper, didn't pick up my phone once, and ended up learning some things about fiber glass. I aspire to be someone who gets into bed and doesn't look at a screen. I wonder what she's like? How might her day unfold without constant background noise? I trying to find out what might grow after a season off. 

Here are some things I've been enjoying and want to share with you:

The Olympics! Have you seen Ilia Malinin doing back flips on the ice? It made me think of Surya Bonaly who did a backflip and landed on one foot at the 1998 Olympics. She placed 10th. You should learn a little bit more about her when you have the chance. 

This documentary about birds and birders. 

Playing solitaire by candlelight

Taking photos on a camera and not my phone (see above photos) 

Being out in the cold and then coming inside and curling up under a blanket

Making hot chocolate from scratch and/or making tea and paying attention to how long I'm steeping the leaves.

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*I should note I wasn't a big oreo eater prior to this lifestyle shift, but now that most other pre-made baked things are off the table, they have become a pantry staple.